My name is Dempster. Eating cheerios at four in the morning while I wait for the sun to rise doesn’t make me weird. I think that what makes people weird is obsessing over the jokers who might become the most powerful person in the world and then screw everything up, then letting a new round of losers decide to make a change. Or people who make their beds every morning, even though they are going to be sleeping in it later that night. So no, cheerios at four is nothing weird.

Since it is only four, the sun won’t be up for another two hours and forty-seven minutes, according to one of those weather sites that feel the need to broadcast every detail of the weather imaginable. When will they learn that most people don’t give a rat’s behind about the dew point at 4:00 am?

While I wait for the sun, the only dependable entity in my life, I watch superhero cartoons. Yes, the idiotic, poorly thought-out spectacles made purely for the nerdish joy of overweight outcasts. But at this hour, it is either cartoons or the local news. Seriously, why do these local news posers think that people will be watching news at this ungodly hour, listening with bated breath to the exciting stories of lost dogs and house fires?

As a habit, I am an early riser. Or a late sleeper, depending on how you look at it. Some nights I just do not sleep a wink, choosing instead to think about time paradoxes, a recent obsession of mine. This morning happens to be one where I actually slept from midnight to three, so I feel somewhat rested. Generally nothing can disturb me from my quiet sanctuary of early morning bliss. When I am alone in the dark basement, smelling the paint-flavored air, I feel as if time is limitless. Which, of course, it is not.

As the generic superhero cartoon ended near 6:00 am, and as a new, even more idiotic one surfaced, I heard a commotion from outside. It sounded like muffled voices coupled with sounds of a struggle. Whatever it was, it was disturbing my peace. That was against the law, wasn’t it? I turned off the television and headed over to the sliding door, which led out into the side yard. I picked up a flashlight on my way.